What do you look most forward to each day?
I don’t really look forward to anything in here on a day to day basis. I guess you can say that I look forward to “It Takes a Thief” at 3 PM every day because that marks the point in my day when it very quickly turns into bed time. Each day in CSP is a day I’m just trying to kill. That’s what I hate about mornings so much here. It marks the slowest part of the day when I’m climbing the cliffs to reach the 3 PM peak and can coast my way back down.
I do have little things I look forward to to break my day into manageable pieces. The first mark is the daily movie at 11 AM with lunch quickly following. That marks a 2 hour period of time I can kill to quickly reach 3 PM. My next chunk is from the end of the movie to mail or dinner time. If mail doesn’t come at 3:30 PM it will come after dinner, which comes at 4:30 PM. From then until 7 PM it is all about killing the time with the news and sitcoms. When I have letters to write, I can do that at the 2 or 3 PM mark and I can ignore the TV, but I just can’t get motivated in the mornings here. The mornings here are really a challenge for me because life in CSP is so purposeless.
In General Population I had things to study, projects to work on, which gave meaning to my life, not to mention a job I really liked tutoring others. Since we can’t have books here in CSP and the library is very limited in the specific areas of history I want to study, I get very discouraged. What’s the point in studying with obsolete or inaccurate resources, knowing you’ll have to re-research it all again? I had purpose in General Population and no purpose here. With no purpose, it is hard to face the day.
What do you dread most each day?
Really, that encompasses what I dread most of every day here – waking up. Mornings suck so badly that I dread facing them. I wake up at 6:30 breakfast and could stay up, but the prospects of facing the morning are so daunting I stay in bed and end up falling back to sleep on most days.
I also end up dreading contact with the staff and inmates here. When I go to the shower, I am cuffed up through a door and escorted by two cops to the shower and uncuffed through the locked door. An officer then walks into my cell to look around. It feels like a violation of my world when the officer knocks around my cell and few of the cops interact naturally with us, so I end up dealing with inappropriate or awkward comments from I cop I don’t want to talk to. It’s not that I’m an asshole, just many cops have abrasive personalities or do things in here that don’t sit well with me (like play games with annoyingly mentally-off inmates), I don’t like being intimate with them. I can identify with the nut they’re messing with and making fun of and I know they are supposed to be above that, so I don’t like it when they later come and smile in my face. I don’t want to identify myself with them.
I dread interaction with the inmates 90% of the time because they are a drain with their negativity or frivolity. I don’t want to interrupt what I’m doing just to hear about how much a cop sucks or how so-and-so is “no good”. If the conversations are not negative they are usually about sports or TV shows, conversations that I couldn’t care less about. Once in a while someone will call me to the door to talk about politics or current events, it is then that I don’t mind, but mind numbingly empty conversation which accomplishes nothing is a hassle in my life I’d rather not have.